Quite adamant is right. She stressed that fact when I talked to her in person, too.
Thing is, I don’t think she’s exaggerating. She would have no reason to. But there are those of us who could do a great deal to protect others in a time of crisis or emergency with our abilities, so you can see the problem.
Risking the slippery slope of using magic, of having to cause fear to fuel it, versus not having the tools to protect against supernatural forces when the situation is dire. One may lead to more harm, but it’s impossible to know which.
As a fellow doctor, I was wondering if you had a perspective on all of this.
[it was a difficult question, and one she had wondered, looking at the syringe that had ever been her companion. would using it hurt someone else? would it cause them strife, to seal another's wounds? but at the same time, she knows she's selfish enough to do so. to say that her patients, who gave their lives to her hands, deserve to live. and she'll heal more and more wounds to make up for the damages.]
I think it depends on what the ratio ends up being in fear to aid. Causing a jolt of fear to a crowd in exchange for the power to save someone's life, that's something I could live with. No lasting harm done, while preserving those that seek our help. Where it grows less clear is weighing the concept of power over what might cause harm to multiple. Even if they may heal in time, and it is less dire than what we face, is the guilt something we can shoulder, if done with the best of intentions? Only the individual can answer that - whether one robs Peter to pay Paul, or so the saying goes.
Personally, I cannot deny there are times in which even the most well intentioned rules can be broken.(I am entirely aware of the individual in our department who can help death be avoided.) I think that at least somewhat, we should be aware of how much we rely on certain things, and adjust for their potential absence.
Alternately, there is a different course of action I can think of, though one ADI may not entirely approve of. Those who would willingly offer themselves to undergo that fear, to live through the horror, knowing that giving of themselves would enable others to do better and be more of aid. I strongly suspect, given the host of personalities in our organization, there might be those willing to test themselves and undergo such for the greater good. The struggle then lies in whether consent excuses what occurs.
It's not a question there's a single good answer to, though.
[He reads this, glad of the thought she’s put into it. The answer is not so cut-and-dry, not as ADI would have them believe — Stephen knows that, and it’s vaguely a relief to see it reflected in someone else.
Balance in all things, after all. Utilitarianism, weighed against judgment and morality. It’s an individual choice, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a bad choice, just as it means it isn’t a good one. Stephen just isn’t sure that there is an end-all-be-all solution to their situation.]
No, there’s no clear answer. And there’s also an invisible line that shouldn’t be crossed, one that Lehrer was very clear to make: using our powers is akin to using an addictive drug. The more we do, the more we will want to, and not for the sake of helping others. At some point, the need to serve our patron entity becomes to strong that we would cause great harm. She told me of people who would set fire to the city, or of sorcerers using their magic to hurt people.
Obviously, that’s unacceptable. And on one side, it’s reasonable that ADI doesn’t trust us enough to make this judgment call. We’re just strangers from another world. If I was in their position, I’d probably make it a blanket rule, too.
I’ll tell you where I stand. I’m a sorcerer. My magic is *greatly* hampered here without fueling it with fear. And there will be a day when I will need it to save others, and when that day comes and I have none of it to draw on? I know I’ll regret it. Immensely.
The question I wish I'd had the opportunity to ask Ms. Lehrer is how exactly we're meant to hold back all of our abilities to stop forces greater than our knowing from destroying us, or if we're supposed to simply be a ship weathering the storm and repairing the aftermath. Perhaps an answer will reveal itself to us before that moment of regret comes to pass.
In the meanwhile, it sounds like for now, you'll do best by restraining yourself, so that if the time comes to take the drug, so to speak, there's less of a lasting effect. Not that I can officially prescribe such measures, though, even to a fellow doctor.
[in other words, this is only speculation and talk. what he chooses to do, she holds no responsibility for, despite giving her best advice on the situation.]
Don’t worry. I’ll take it as more of a second opinion than an official order. And I was of the same mind, anyway.
[Maybe it’s what he needed to hear from someone else in his field — the medical one, at least. That the risk is worth it, only for the right set of circumstances.
The drug they’re talking about is as dangerous as any; one hit is all it takes for some substances to hook their claws into an individual, and it’s downhill from there. But restraint? He can perhaps try, if his doses are few and far in-between.]
Small scares over a long period of time, maybe. Enough to generate an ace in the hole spell when the situation’s looking grim.
As for ADI, I can probably answer that for you. They’re not all reactionary. I’m under the impression that they have agents spread out, running missions often. We just aren’t privy to the details because, once again, it’s a matter of trust. I don’t think any of us have earned it.
[it makes her wonder if there's a replacement, ways to taper off when the compulsion was too strong. therapy, a cure - call it naivete, but she refuses to think of it immediately as a lost cause. more and more, what was given up as inevitable was fixed via medicine, or some new treatment, or the stubbornness and refusal to give up.]
No, and they're right to only allow us so much room to run about. It's simply difficult, to be handed the news that the world is under siege and then be told to be patient, to know there's information there and make peace with not knowing.
[A solution — he wonders, too, if it exists, waiting to be uncovered. The man who wants to fix everything, that old shadow of himself, says that there must be if they only look hard enough.
But he thinks back to his home—to Kaecillius, who wanted to circumvent death—and wonders if this is the same mindset of those who took it too far. Was there a transition to something more sinister, slow and insidious, much like what Lehrer warned? Are they flirting with the same outcome just by considering it?
Or are they allowing something terrible to happen merely because their hands are tied, bound by ADI’s authority?
Neither option is great.]
Do you intend to investigate in the field, Doctor Dyer? With or without ADI’s approval.
I understand that not everyone is trusting of the organization that’s taken us under their wing.
[it's the middle of the week, and she's been refused from taking on more hours, which is still something she has to get accustomed to. clearly, her way of problem solving won't actually fly when someone is checking on your mental health and balance, and it's better to leave and simply let them assume you're a hard worker first and foremost.
instead, wandering about Gloucester, what catches her eye is a church - how long has it been, since she set foot in a proper one, not one rotted and left as a playground for monsters? quite a while, even with time blurring together like it did. trying the door out of curiosity, Emily's surprised to find it unlocked, and quietly tiptoes in after propping the door open a crack - for safety's sake. once that's settled, she can explore.
airy, silent, with the afternoon sun tilting through stained glass. serene, and her heart feels a little lighter for it. a few votives burn in their setting, and Emily feels it's only right to light one herself, the small light flickering amongst the other candles when she's done. proper ritual, proper sacrament, with holy water and all the rest - isn't it strange, in a place where they were living in fear of world destroyers, that this should still exist?
before the altar, she finds herself standing, head bowed and hands clasped, offering prayer, enjoying the empty space. for a passing few moments, Emily feels safe in a sense she hasn't in some time.]
[ the church surely seems the inevitable destination of a man of the cloth. even so, it had taken Abel an embarrassing amount of time to locate it despite this; Gloucester was home to quite a few distractions, and large in size to cover on foot to boot-- or are these simply excuses the priest has used to rationalize his time away from the house of God...? (surely getting distracted by the café and eclairs within would not be considered a valid justification in the eyes of many.) well, suppose none of that is of any particular matter, now.
because the double doors are opening to give way for the tall, lanky shape of a silver-haired man donned in cassock and bearing time-worn rosary that marks him as a priest -- though, perhaps not the normal sort that walks these hallowed halls. but here more than any other place, surely outsiders are welcome all the same... right?
there is a sort of hushed, quiet reverence in places of worship that even Abel would not consider disrespecting, and to see the altar already possessed of a woman currently engaged in prayer-- he doesn't think to disturb her with his usual antics. instead... there is a soft creak somewhere from the rear pews as the interloper takes a seat to wait, gently nudging at old-fashioned lenses as he takes in his surroundings. no church is exactly like another... each has its own sort of feeling, he thinks. and there is no need to rush things, so! she is more than welcome to take her time... Abel is content to give Emily her due peace while he lets the church tell him what its all about. ]
[when she finishes, she raises her head, and turns, feeling a sense of deeper ease that means she might come back here-
but then there's someone there sitting in the back row, and she starts, hand flying to her heart and the other almost to her pocket before she realizes that it's a man in a priest's garb, who's sitting there as calm as anything.]
...Forgive me, Father, I didn't hear you come in.
[Emily looks as caught as she feels, a rising sort of disquiet in her. it's not against the rules to pray, of course not, but when one has a private moment and then feels it was on display, it feels awkward, odd. maybe she shouldn't have come in at all. maybe the door should have been locked in the first place, and he was just being kind to let her finish before shooing her out.]
she gives a start, and Abel gives a start in reaction to Emily's start-- goodness, this is just a chain reaction if there ever was one, isn't it? he has enough self-awareness to look sheepish as he rises apologetically from the pew in a hurried fluster, holding his hands up in a placating gesture of apology. ]
N-no, no, please-- the fault is all mine! I really should've announced myself, but you looked like you were... um-- that is to say, I...
[ ..........ah. fumbling for the right words to explain away his lapse in judgment and coming up empty, the priest merely gives up entirely and settles for gently approaching the aisle, ]
Miss, I don't suppose you'd be kind enough to go along with a do-over? --A re-do~! Let's just try that whole thing again and pretend I've just walked in the door and not scared you half to death, would that be alright...?
[they really are in a confused tangle, aren't they. for a second, she looks at him, and then her face and posture eases, and she offers something of a sheepish smile. goodness knows she's put her foot in her mouth often enough to be right where he is, it can hardly be something she holds against him. so, she nods and takes a breath.]
Yes, let's. Forgive me if you were looking to use the space - my curiosity got the better of me today, in the end.
Oh, no, you're absolutely fine! It'd be a bit presumptuous of me to lay any kind of claim here, seeing as this is my first time stepping in the door, I'm afraid...
[ oh, he's visibly relaxing in gratitude to see her posture has eased and a smile having come to her face; it gives Abel enough confidence to take a few steps forward and to hazard his hand outward in amiable greeting. (...proper greeting, this time!) ]
I'm something of a new face around these parts, miss...! Father Abel Nightroad, a pleasure to meet you!
[stepping forth to meet him, she'll take his hand - it is a proper greeting now, and her heart's already calmed down to near where it was. the serenity may not have returned, but there's no hesitation in her introducing herself.]
My name is Emily Dyer, and I'm new myself - I only came to this city about a month ago.
[careful words, because outside of ADI, who knew who was unaware and who was in the know, but given the strangeness of his rosary...hm. it made her think.]
Miss Dyer! I'm... well, I suppose you could say I'm direly pleased we started over~! H-- haha, ah. Y-you see? A play on words, because--
[ ... ]
S-so, ah,
[ motoring on after letting this escape him in something of a horrified mortification as he oh so gently shakes her hand, Abel is taking his grubby paw back in order to gesture toward the door behind him. ]
Please forgive me if this question comes as a little strange, but-- you wouldn't happen to be from... say. Way out of town, if you catch my drift?
[ subtlety and subterfuge are not traits or characteristics this man appears to particularly excel at demonstrating; it just throws Emily's easy disposition and her natural discretion in all the more favorable light, doesn't it... ah, but this one could only aspire to be like Emily...... ]
[to his credit, she doesn't seem exasperated at the pun. rather, she takes him to be a bit nervous - which is perfectly understandable when a few things click into place. of course one would be nervous, being thrown into another world. wasn't she, when she arrived.]
Very, very far out of town, yes. Farther than seems possible.
[ Emily.... what a kind soul, taking his natural, God-given idiocy and extending him the benefit of the doubt instead of judgment-- perhaps she is in the right place, saint though she appears to be!!
Abel finds himself looking encouraged by the confirmation that, yes... he's found someone in similar straits as him. but the revelation is a bittersweet one; the brief gladness of a shared tribulation also comes with some manner of apology that Emily is forced into such a predicament, as well... his smile, however, remains unfaltering as he nods along. ]
--Ah! Well, then it looks like both of us have found ourselves in the perfect place for wayward souls...! Even if we are a little more... 'wayward' than we might be used to. Oh, um-- please, did I interrupt you? Were you finished with prayer...?
Actually, it's good fortune I found my way here, since I've been so busy lately that matters of faith tended to fall to the wayside. Not exactly ideal, but I'm trying to make up for lost time.
Really...! Well, maybe it was a stroke of good luck that brought us this chance meeting today, or perhaps a little divine intervention? Ah, something like destiny?
[ that smile is vaguely amused at the prospect, ]
Either way, you know He is always waiting for you, whenever you decide to speak to Him. I'm sure He was glad to see you made your way here, and even while... out of town, you know? Quite impressive!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
un: strange
[In case she couldn’t tell from the username.
Niceties first-]
Settling in all right?
un: emily.dyer
I am, and thank you for inquiring. More and more, what would be unusual is now familiar. Dare I say it, there's a bit of excitement to new challenges.
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If you have a moment, I wanted your opinion on something. From doctor to doctor.
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Thing is, I don’t think she’s exaggerating. She would have no reason to. But there are those of us who could do a great deal to protect others in a time of crisis or emergency with our abilities, so you can see the problem.
Risking the slippery slope of using magic, of having to cause fear to fuel it, versus not having the tools to protect against supernatural forces when the situation is dire. One may lead to more harm, but it’s impossible to know which.
As a fellow doctor, I was wondering if you had a perspective on all of this.
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I think it depends on what the ratio ends up being in fear to aid. Causing a jolt of fear to a crowd in exchange for the power to save someone's life, that's something I could live with. No lasting harm done, while preserving those that seek our help. Where it grows less clear is weighing the concept of power over what might cause harm to multiple. Even if they may heal in time, and it is less dire than what we face, is the guilt something we can shoulder, if done with the best of intentions? Only the individual can answer that - whether one robs Peter to pay Paul, or so the saying goes.
Personally, I cannot deny there are times in which even the most well intentioned rules can be broken.(I am entirely aware of the individual in our department who can help death be avoided.) I think that at least somewhat, we should be aware of how much we rely on certain things, and adjust for their potential absence.
Alternately, there is a different course of action I can think of, though one ADI may not entirely approve of. Those who would willingly offer themselves to undergo that fear, to live through the horror, knowing that giving of themselves would enable others to do better and be more of aid. I strongly suspect, given the host of personalities in our organization, there might be those willing to test themselves and undergo such for the greater good. The struggle then lies in whether consent excuses what occurs.
It's not a question there's a single good answer to, though.
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Balance in all things, after all. Utilitarianism, weighed against judgment and morality. It’s an individual choice, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a bad choice, just as it means it isn’t a good one. Stephen just isn’t sure that there is an end-all-be-all solution to their situation.]
No, there’s no clear answer. And there’s also an invisible line that shouldn’t be crossed, one that Lehrer was very clear to make: using our powers is akin to using an addictive drug. The more we do, the more we will want to, and not for the sake of helping others. At some point, the need to serve our patron entity becomes to strong that we would cause great harm. She told me of people who would set fire to the city, or of sorcerers using their magic to hurt people.
Obviously, that’s unacceptable. And on one side, it’s reasonable that ADI doesn’t trust us enough to make this judgment call. We’re just strangers from another world. If I was in their position, I’d probably make it a blanket rule, too.
I’ll tell you where I stand. I’m a sorcerer. My magic is *greatly* hampered here without fueling it with fear. And there will be a day when I will need it to save others, and when that day comes and I have none of it to draw on? I know I’ll regret it. Immensely.
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In the meanwhile, it sounds like for now, you'll do best by restraining yourself, so that if the time comes to take the drug, so to speak, there's less of a lasting effect. Not that I can officially prescribe such measures, though, even to a fellow doctor.
[in other words, this is only speculation and talk. what he chooses to do, she holds no responsibility for, despite giving her best advice on the situation.]
cw: brief addiction analogy
[Maybe it’s what he needed to hear from someone else in his field — the medical one, at least. That the risk is worth it, only for the right set of circumstances.
The drug they’re talking about is as dangerous as any; one hit is all it takes for some substances to hook their claws into an individual, and it’s downhill from there. But restraint? He can perhaps try, if his doses are few and far in-between.]
Small scares over a long period of time, maybe. Enough to generate an ace in the hole spell when the situation’s looking grim.
As for ADI, I can probably answer that for you. They’re not all reactionary. I’m under the impression that they have agents spread out, running missions often. We just aren’t privy to the details because, once again, it’s a matter of trust. I don’t think any of us have earned it.
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No, and they're right to only allow us so much room to run about. It's simply difficult, to be handed the news that the world is under siege and then be told to be patient, to know there's information there and make peace with not knowing.
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But he thinks back to his home—to Kaecillius, who wanted to circumvent death—and wonders if this is the same mindset of those who took it too far. Was there a transition to something more sinister, slow and insidious, much like what Lehrer warned? Are they flirting with the same outcome just by considering it?
Or are they allowing something terrible to happen merely because their hands are tied, bound by ADI’s authority?
Neither option is great.]
Do you intend to investigate in the field, Doctor Dyer? With or without ADI’s approval.
I understand that not everyone is trusting of the organization that’s taken us under their wing.
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text -> action, a couple days later
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abel - pre lullaby.
instead, wandering about Gloucester, what catches her eye is a church - how long has it been, since she set foot in a proper one, not one rotted and left as a playground for monsters? quite a while, even with time blurring together like it did. trying the door out of curiosity, Emily's surprised to find it unlocked, and quietly tiptoes in after propping the door open a crack - for safety's sake. once that's settled, she can explore.
airy, silent, with the afternoon sun tilting through stained glass. serene, and her heart feels a little lighter for it. a few votives burn in their setting, and Emily feels it's only right to light one herself, the small light flickering amongst the other candles when she's done. proper ritual, proper sacrament, with holy water and all the rest - isn't it strange, in a place where they were living in fear of world destroyers, that this should still exist?
before the altar, she finds herself standing, head bowed and hands clasped, offering prayer, enjoying the empty space. for a passing few moments, Emily feels safe in a sense she hasn't in some time.]
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because the double doors are opening to give way for the tall, lanky shape of a silver-haired man donned in cassock and bearing time-worn rosary that marks him as a priest -- though, perhaps not the normal sort that walks these hallowed halls. but here more than any other place, surely outsiders are welcome all the same... right?
there is a sort of hushed, quiet reverence in places of worship that even Abel would not consider disrespecting, and to see the altar already possessed of a woman currently engaged in prayer-- he doesn't think to disturb her with his usual antics. instead... there is a soft creak somewhere from the rear pews as the interloper takes a seat to wait, gently nudging at old-fashioned lenses as he takes in his surroundings. no church is exactly like another... each has its own sort of feeling, he thinks. and there is no need to rush things, so! she is more than welcome to take her time... Abel is content to give Emily her due peace while he lets the church tell him what its all about. ]
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but then there's someone there sitting in the back row, and she starts, hand flying to her heart and the other almost to her pocket before she realizes that it's a man in a priest's garb, who's sitting there as calm as anything.]
...Forgive me, Father, I didn't hear you come in.
[Emily looks as caught as she feels, a rising sort of disquiet in her. it's not against the rules to pray, of course not, but when one has a private moment and then feels it was on display, it feels awkward, odd. maybe she shouldn't have come in at all. maybe the door should have been locked in the first place, and he was just being kind to let her finish before shooing her out.]
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she gives a start, and Abel gives a start in reaction to Emily's start-- goodness, this is just a chain reaction if there ever was one, isn't it? he has enough self-awareness to look sheepish as he rises apologetically from the pew in a hurried fluster, holding his hands up in a placating gesture of apology. ]
N-no, no, please-- the fault is all mine! I really should've announced myself, but you looked like you were... um-- that is to say, I...
[ ..........ah. fumbling for the right words to explain away his lapse in judgment and coming up empty, the priest merely gives up entirely and settles for gently approaching the aisle, ]
Miss, I don't suppose you'd be kind enough to go along with a do-over? --A re-do~! Let's just try that whole thing again and pretend I've just walked in the door and not scared you half to death, would that be alright...?
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Yes, let's. Forgive me if you were looking to use the space - my curiosity got the better of me today, in the end.
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[ oh, he's visibly relaxing in gratitude to see her posture has eased and a smile having come to her face; it gives Abel enough confidence to take a few steps forward and to hazard his hand outward in amiable greeting. (...proper greeting, this time!) ]
I'm something of a new face around these parts, miss...! Father Abel Nightroad, a pleasure to meet you!
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[stepping forth to meet him, she'll take his hand - it is a proper greeting now, and her heart's already calmed down to near where it was. the serenity may not have returned, but there's no hesitation in her introducing herself.]
My name is Emily Dyer, and I'm new myself - I only came to this city about a month ago.
[careful words, because outside of ADI, who knew who was unaware and who was in the know, but given the strangeness of his rosary...hm. it made her think.]
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[ ... ]
S-so, ah,
[ motoring on after letting this escape him in something of a horrified mortification as he oh so gently shakes her hand, Abel is taking his grubby paw back in order to gesture toward the door behind him. ]
Please forgive me if this question comes as a little strange, but-- you wouldn't happen to be from... say. Way out of town, if you catch my drift?
[ subtlety and subterfuge are not traits or characteristics this man appears to particularly excel at demonstrating; it just throws Emily's easy disposition and her natural discretion in all the more favorable light, doesn't it... ah, but this one could only aspire to be like Emily...... ]
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Very, very far out of town, yes. Farther than seems possible.
[so they might speak a little more freely.]
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Abel finds himself looking encouraged by the confirmation that, yes... he's found someone in similar straits as him. but the revelation is a bittersweet one; the brief gladness of a shared tribulation also comes with some manner of apology that Emily is forced into such a predicament, as well... his smile, however, remains unfaltering as he nods along. ]
--Ah! Well, then it looks like both of us have found ourselves in the perfect place for wayward souls...! Even if we are a little more... 'wayward' than we might be used to. Oh, um-- please, did I interrupt you? Were you finished with prayer...?
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[meaning there's been no interruption at all.]
Actually, it's good fortune I found my way here, since I've been so busy lately that matters of faith tended to fall to the wayside. Not exactly ideal, but I'm trying to make up for lost time.
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[ that smile is vaguely amused at the prospect, ]
Either way, you know He is always waiting for you, whenever you decide to speak to Him. I'm sure He was glad to see you made your way here, and even while... out of town, you know? Quite impressive!
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