[ His breath stutters a little. It's one thing for him to say it, another thing for it to be returned. He feels so entirely unworthy of it that it almost stings with its intensity. He's missed being loved. Missed Saejima and Yasuko so much that it makes him ill.
He brings her closer to him, touching her wings with slow ruffling fingers. He's looked it up, about the wings, each feather has its own set of nerves and they're actually quite sensitive when you run your fingers through them. Not as chaste of a gesture as it seems. ]
[this close, he can hear her intake of breath, and the sensation catches her a little off guard. she's been the only one to touch her own wings, for preening and care, and she hadn't expected how immediate the difference would be in another way, under someone else's hands. still, she likes it, almost too much so.]
Yes. It's fine.
[she doesn't think he'd ask if he wasn't aware of what he was doing, but she'd like to give him permission to continue. one hand comes to rest on his chest, eyes flicking up to make sure that this is alright. Emily knows enough to check in, to pay attention to his cues, and if something is amiss, she'll back down.]
[ He nods quietly at the unspoken question. What really gets in his head are hands pawing at him, touches to his face, hands in his hair. He'd let Izo put his hands in his hair while he was drugged and he's still not quite sure how he feels. Does it show him that nothing will happen? Or does it highlight the uncomfortable truth that he wants some of the things he fears because he was manipulated and groomed for it.
Maybe he should cut his hair, but he has this feeling like he doesn't want to until Saejima is out of jail. If that's on hold indefinitely, then he'll just have to wear it long. His fingers continue to stir distractedly before his good eye flicks back up. ]
This place scares me, yanno. Like it's too normal t'be true.
[ Like the ugly shit is waiting just out of sight for him to get too comfortable. Like Shimano is going to walk down the street one day and sneer at him. ]
Edited (whitespace my nemesis) 2022-03-28 23:31 (UTC)
[she can avoid the things that'll unnerve him, make anything she touches obvious, known instead of just grabbing. all she needs is to put a little thought into it, and it'll be fine.
Emily leans in a little closer, to more securely tuck herself against him. at this point, she's practically in his lap, though that said, she makes herself focus on his words instead of getting too wrapped up in sensation. answers first and foremost.]
It's the calm before the storm. It can't hide its true colors forever.
[this can't be hell, and be devoid of what might make it somewhere you don't want to be. it can't simply be a future city with devils like what they know. hell is somewhere darker, and deeper. it's this, or they're just both too ready for worse to accept anything better.]
And when it does, we'll adapt.
[we. not him left to flounder and find his footing on his own. he has a fallback now - he's not left to smoke in his room alone, waiting for the next sunrise.]
[ He scoops her to rest of the way across his legs, hand resting lightly across her shins as he rests his nose against her temple. He's adapted a lot. Every time, he's reconfigured himself to suit the situation: learned how to calmly accept torture, learned how to duck his head and mouth 'Yes, Sagawa-han', learned how to be Lord of the Night and run the cabaret club, learned how to accept the snake. The rules keep changing and now they want him to just quietly return to the yakuza he hasn't been in years? He feels like he's holding handfuls of broken stained glass. He could make anything he wants out of them, except the original picture.
He doesn't know who he is or what he wants; aside from Izo and Emily. He wants them. He toys with her stockings before turning in and kissing her more deeply. Knowing that they need him and rely on him is the only anchor in the world and all he wants is to please them and make their worlds better. ]
[kissing him back feels as easy as breathing, hands resting on his shoulders, staying near, letting him guide it for the sake of it all being choice. she wants him strongly enough to burn with it - keeps it all tidily locked up and organized with the rest of herself until there's a reason to show it, but it's true. no reluctance, no hesitation that isn't born from the newness of it all.
the difference between then and now, for all of them, holding their shattered pieces, is that they don't have to do it on their own. maybe they'll never make a coherent picture on their own, but with the others, with pieces that lie next to each other, they could make a different image altogether. and that, regardless of it being hell, is a blessing.]
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no subject
He brings her closer to him, touching her wings with slow ruffling fingers. He's looked it up, about the wings, each feather has its own set of nerves and they're actually quite sensitive when you run your fingers through them. Not as chaste of a gesture as it seems. ]
That all right?
no subject
Yes. It's fine.
[she doesn't think he'd ask if he wasn't aware of what he was doing, but she'd like to give him permission to continue. one hand comes to rest on his chest, eyes flicking up to make sure that this is alright. Emily knows enough to check in, to pay attention to his cues, and if something is amiss, she'll back down.]
no subject
Maybe he should cut his hair, but he has this feeling like he doesn't want to until Saejima is out of jail. If that's on hold indefinitely, then he'll just have to wear it long. His fingers continue to stir distractedly before his good eye flicks back up. ]
This place scares me, yanno. Like it's too normal t'be true.
[ Like the ugly shit is waiting just out of sight for him to get too comfortable. Like Shimano is going to walk down the street one day and sneer at him. ]
no subject
Emily leans in a little closer, to more securely tuck herself against him. at this point, she's practically in his lap, though that said, she makes herself focus on his words instead of getting too wrapped up in sensation. answers first and foremost.]
It's the calm before the storm. It can't hide its true colors forever.
[this can't be hell, and be devoid of what might make it somewhere you don't want to be. it can't simply be a future city with devils like what they know. hell is somewhere darker, and deeper. it's this, or they're just both too ready for worse to accept anything better.]
And when it does, we'll adapt.
[we. not him left to flounder and find his footing on his own. he has a fallback now - he's not left to smoke in his room alone, waiting for the next sunrise.]
no subject
He doesn't know who he is or what he wants; aside from Izo and Emily. He wants them. He toys with her stockings before turning in and kissing her more deeply. Knowing that they need him and rely on him is the only anchor in the world and all he wants is to please them and make their worlds better. ]
no subject
the difference between then and now, for all of them, holding their shattered pieces, is that they don't have to do it on their own. maybe they'll never make a coherent picture on their own, but with the others, with pieces that lie next to each other, they could make a different image altogether. and that, regardless of it being hell, is a blessing.]